Friday, November 7, 2014

Rant

I don't know what in my days has lead me to read and write less these days.
I don't know if it's the doing of that devil called age but I do feel a constant weight of fatigue. Maybe it is being ill for months now that is taking a toll. Small things. A fever that keeps coming back, a cough that won't go, puffed eyes in the morning, a back that misbehaves.
But they all add up and at the end of the day, when I am finally back home, I feel like every ounce of air has been sucked out of me.A nap may help, I think and I get onto my hard bed. I stopped using pillows because of the back. So I hug a bolster and sleep-often through dinner time, often in work clothes and wake up feeling like I've just finished walking a mile.
Fatigue is cyclical, I have discovered and it feeds on itself to remain alive.
I, too, have stopped fighting it these days and I am afraid this is what I have become.
Sometimes when I look at the mirror I imagine the skin around my eyes to be darker than my cheeks.I also feel the circle around my mouth is turning darker. Twenty-five is no age at all, I tell myself and a small part of me acknowledges the sinking feeling that drive women to try out tubes and bottles of foul smelling creams.
I don't know what it is that is doing this. If it is age, fatigue, disinterest or just plain laziness.
Truth be told, I don't like it one bit. I miss cooking and I miss going to run.I miss being active.
And I hate the feeling of sitting at a party and realising that I don't like parties.

3 comments:

WritingForLife said...

I am sorry you have not been feeling well. I know it is not my place, but I think that perhaps what you are going through is depression. You are describing a lot of symptoms of it. By depression, I mean clinical depression, not a mood swing. Perhaps you should consult a doctor.

I hope you feel better soon.

wild iris said...

Everything you just said, B. Sigh. And it seems to be affecting all the people I talk to, everyone I'm closest to. Or do we just seek each other out BECAUSE we feel this way? Why can't we break out of these circles?

Ahona Panda said...

DANCE AT PARTIES! Wheee.