Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I have dealt with people changing, so that really isn't one of my problems. The problem really is dealing with a changed self and when I say this, I am not talking of a change that age puts you through; not the change from frocks to kurtas or bob cuts to joodas. what has really frightened me and perplexed me is the change in me as a being- the changes that have made silent alterations to the cognitive whole that I was.
It sounds dramatic but it seems like I am living in pieces- it's like a disintegration which is absurd. I have stopped being a whole and have swapped my self for a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces I remember seeing but have now lost. And honestly, I don't have the energy to look.

I was a different person- I used to take photographs and not lock my camera up in my cupboard. I used to run and not sleep because I had more running to do. Now I don't sleep because I don't get sleep or sometimes I sleep through the day. I used to laugh so hard that I used to roll off the bed , now I don't laugh because I think I have ugly teeth.
I am not quite sure what I miss or what I long for. I am not quite sure if I believe that I can do anything to bring myself some clarity.
Yet I like this life- this head full of memories of the sun seeping through my window and the slight taste of your cigarette in my tongue and that sharp twang of your perfume in my nostrils.
I will live. I think.

4 comments:

Sree said...

Touching... a little heartbreaking, a little heartfelt. Love it.

Aruni RC said...

yes. this growing up seems to happen twice in our generation. Once after out-growing childhood. And then again, now - the listlessness and half-recalled jigsaw pieces. Totally.

Elendil said...

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reason why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Sromana said...

Beautiful read! :)
Felt like you have put my story in your words!