I don't remember being this scared in my life. Of Everything and of nothing at the same time.
It is becoming progressively difficult for me to walk down a road- I am scared a truck will run me down, or I will receive another of those texts or maybe a phone call from someone who will say something I am scared of hearing.
Hurt is essential but I have realised that a lot of hurt is actually fear. Hurt is actually nothing but being scared with something you didn't expect. If I have cried the past week over one conversation, it is essentially because I was scared to face the consequences of it.
One believes because one is scared to be left alone, one talks because one is scared to be called socially awkward, one keeps shut because one is scared one will never be understood.
When exactly does all of life become a part of that scare?
When exactly did I stop running for something rather than from it? And when exactly did I let this sense of constant fear take over all of me.
When did all tears become about what I will lose and not about what I stand to gain.
It is becoming progressively difficult for me to walk down a road- I am scared a truck will run me down, or I will receive another of those texts or maybe a phone call from someone who will say something I am scared of hearing.
Hurt is essential but I have realised that a lot of hurt is actually fear. Hurt is actually nothing but being scared with something you didn't expect. If I have cried the past week over one conversation, it is essentially because I was scared to face the consequences of it.
One believes because one is scared to be left alone, one talks because one is scared to be called socially awkward, one keeps shut because one is scared one will never be understood.
When exactly does all of life become a part of that scare?
When exactly did I stop running for something rather than from it? And when exactly did I let this sense of constant fear take over all of me.
When did all tears become about what I will lose and not about what I stand to gain.
8 comments:
That's an interesting way to look at it - perhaps it us who mostly hurt ourselves rather than other people.
totally agree with the post...
also as an ardent fan who loves your soulful posts, I would request you to write something peppy once in a while :)
Sending a Big giant hug. Right away.
*BIGGIANTHUG*
Yes, the older we get, fear does become life. But, there are some things which we will never lose. Like family. And those friends who have known us from the time we felt no fear. You will be okay. :)
at times like these, oft-quoted words from a now-distant childhood seem so very significant:
even though life may have "fallen into the sere, the yellow leaf" still for us "the mind that I sway by and the heart I bear, shall ne'er sag with doubt nor shake with fear."
I love the way you write. How you turn little moments into stories.
Be not afraid. Darkness comes and goes as it pleases. Hold on to your inner faith and know that only you and retrieve yourself. After all, with a fabulous imagination (like yours) comes myriad capability, the least of which is imagining the worst :)
chup. bhoy pete nei. shokto haw.
(love.)
I understand this. More than I'd like. To not know what you're scared of. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Perhaps, it will all get better.
You talk my mind!
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