just another scribble

there are times when life and hell become synonymous...the time is now!!
i hate every bit of it...
i hate losing people,
i hate crying my nights out,
i hate to break stuff at school,
i hate to be unmindful.....
i hate to try and understand when i need to be understood...
i hate to hope that someday i will be heard....
i hate to choose between the most important people in my life....
i hate to miss my cellphone....
i hate to swallow food when my throat has a lump of sorrow forming deep within....
i hate to give fake smiles to the world...
i hate to say "it's ok" when nothing is.....
i hate my life.....
i hate the people who have given me this kinda life......
i hate it...
i hate it all.....
but i really love you .......

incomplete

The eagle soars up to the murky sky-

The winds whisper of times gone by.

The times which had you and me-

The times our hearts fluttered like a caged bird set free.

You gave me a mouthful of sky-

I gave you a fistful of life.

You brought me sunshine in the rains-

I gave you paper boats sailing down the waterlogged lanes.

We held hands as the swing soared high,

We watched silently as times passed by.

We exchanged letters, some secret glances too-

Happily unaware that our days together were numbered few.

We built a house of cards on shores of a silvery sea,

Our days were washed with colours of glee.

“Happily ever after” we thought-

But that was not to be.

A storm passed over our dreamy shore-

Blowing in sands of distrust into our hearts;

A love decayed through its core-

Nothing left to do, nothing left to say anymore.

My wrist cries crimson tears of pain-

Memories bringing in smiles gone pale.

Promises drowned themselves in the red reeking river-

An abrupt end to a tale meant to last forever....

a mouthful of silence

Have you ever felt a knife cutting down your back?

Ever felt like a rotting corpse on a haystack?

Ever wondered what it feels when happiness tastes stale?

Ever lost your voice when all you wanted to do was wail?

I stand here today-

A defeated and beaten Destiny’s prey.

My dry eyes are wide awake-

Disgusted of all it has seen:

Rotting love, estranged bonds, bleeding wrists-

Ah! What a life it has been.

Lone, solitary and beaten out of shape-

The heart fails to keep further faith.

People meant the world, and now they mean a naught-

No one recalls those promises they happily forgot.

Who keeps count, I ask, of what I attained and lost?

Ever felt the insatiable thirst for your own tears?

Ever been a dumb witness to the realization of all your fears?

Ever thought that there might be no future, after all?

Ever lead a life-engulfed with shadows of past-

Splattered all over your heart’s walls?

Bland joys, stale smiles-

The mirage of life-a road which beguiles.

In some hidden alley of the heart,

Amidst some forgotten pile,

A knell tolls and a jackal shrieks-

Through the darkness, a light so bleak.

I raise my hand, clinging on to hope-

Refusing to let go.

So much pain in such little time-

With small joys scattered here and there.

Maybe it’s time now to bid adieu-

Too late to judge whether it is wrong or fair!

So slit my wrist and put on the crown of thorns-

Close your eyes, I will be gone…

a lady out of a whirlwind

my school mag article this year....

I’m a sulk, and a great one at that. But then again, there have been moments randomly thrown up by life which has forced me to believe that, maybe, life ain’t that bad either.

“I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone...”

31^st January 2006.Our investiture day. We had to march around a field before the announcement was made, and if walking like a robot with a fluttering stomach and a rising pulse qualifies as marching, I did a good job. The drum roll stopped-and there I was, ready to faint any second and contemplating running away from the field. The teacher walked towards the mic-I prayed so that the ground would open up and I could fall into it. “The last year’s Head Girl-Swati Arora will be handing over duties to the new Head Girl….”-I was sweating in my blazer and the entire school building was buzzing with murmurs-“…Bedatri Datta Choudhury.” Then there was silence and the voice inside my head went, “what? Come again!”-I stood there with an unladylike stare-someone pushed me and I marched towards Swati with the entire school cheering (Or was I running?).

Swati passed me the school flag and grinned. “God Swati! This is heavy!” I said. She smiled back and said something I’ll remember all my life-“well, so is your responsibility.” The following moments were all very blurry with my liver and stomach doing a cute little jig within me.

Moments. They can be the happiest ones and yet make you cry.

Since then it’s been a roller coaster ride - balanced motley of ups and downs.

This little piece of metal on my collar has taught me that life is not easy-there will always be people who won’t listen to you, friends who will desert you at crucial junctures, people who will make you believe that you are undeserving, but at the end of it all, you got to take it all in your stride and walk on, with your head held high.

There have been times when I’ve faltered but this responsibility has made me realize that when you have hundreds of girls aspiring to be where you are, you really can’t afford to go wrong. I think I’ve become a lot more patient and tolerant; more disciplined –rarely overslept and never lost a thing of importance, more conscious- I stopped dancing and singing down the corridors, pinned my hair and, yes, sat with legs crossed and skirt perfectly in place and definitely more responsible-being answerable for hundreds of little imps can be nerve wracking! I’ve come to realize that there is never a wrong time to do the right thing and that it is never wrong to dream, because some dreams do come true. All in all, it made a lady out of the whirlwind I was.

I’d like to thank my Principal and all the teachers who thought me to be capable and helped me through the changes my life was going through. I hope I haven’t let them down.

My heartfelt apologies to my friends for missing lunches with them (because of school work), the non-teaching staff of the school for bothering them with irrational demands and all the people to whom I’ve come across as rude or unkind. Last but not the least, my friends who deserted me when I needed them the most. Thank you. I am a stronger person now.

Almost a year gone by, and yet it seems like a blink of an eye. So many unrealized dreams, so many words unsaid, so many smiles yet to be smiled and so many tears yet to be shed. My mother tells me that we meet to depart and depart to meet. But I live to hope-that all the people I meet in the future are going to be like the ones I met here, under the shelter of this wonderful school.

Thank you GDB for being the most important part of my growing up...

“ What shall we use

To fill the empty spaces
Where we used to talk?
How shall I fill
The final places?
How should I complete the wall...”