Rains either make me feel very happy or extremely sad, never anything in between. And it has been raining in Delhi for two days now- the kind that always accompany the winter on its way back home. There's something comforting that I find in winters. Something very personal, probably because I am a winter born. Something soothing, something very freeing. These days have not given me much chance to do anything with them-they have been coming and going without leaving behind too many footprints. It's like walking on a drawn line- you have no choice but to walk, you dont know where you are headed but you know you're moving, getting somewhere. I dont remember the last time I was this unsure. It's like being thirteen again- underconfident, confused and zero willpower. I guess there are always those issues that never go away irrespective whether one is thirteen or one hundred and thirteen.

On good days, I enjoy my active bursts....like the day I did up the room, or went gift shopping for a very close friend, or roamed around the streets of Bombay doing nothing. On some bad days, I feel I cant do a thing and on others i feel that I can do a lot but do nothing about it.

I am hoping this is only a phase or if it isnt, that it behaves like one.

And that summers never come.



P.S: the pictures are of one of the walls of my room. The part which lies empty in the middle will soon have an original DDLJ poster I picked up from Chor Bazaar :)

Sometimes when I lie awake on my hostel bed, I look out of my little window and think whether you think of me the way I think of you.

I wonder if you ever picture me walking down the street below your window, or see me bending over a book in our seven storeyed library.

I wonder if you ever think of the way I look when I run my fingers through my hair.

Sometimes I think if your songs speak of me the way my dances speak of you.

I wonder if you imagine the roads I walk up and down everyday, the way I see you stuck in traffic jams in a city faraway from where I stay.

Sometimes I wonder if you are lying awake on your bed, looking out of your little window and thinking of me.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...

Another year, eh?
Our lives have become like airports in winters- complete with their departures and arrivals but one has no clue about timings. Airports have been the only constants in my life for these four years. The only spaces which remain the same amidst a constantly changing landscape of cities, homes and people. The only smiles that remain constant are the ones on the faces of air hostesses. Yes they are mostly fake but atleast they're comforting.
This year has been a year of departures mostly- old smiles departed leaving behind some very bitter tears, old bonds departed leaving behind only an empty shell and old spaces evaporated and only left behind an irritating stink. The stink of decay and loss. The year taught me that Trust is an obsolete and irrelevant concept today. It is expected that you keep your thoughts to yourself and sweat under their accumulated force and it is stupid to speak your heart out to your "best friend" (again, a tautological belief) because if you can afford to part with it, the whole world deserves a piece of it. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Of the arrivals.
I arrived into a lovely university this year and into the company of some lovely strangers who have turned out to be great people to talk to. This year has been a year of meeting very old friends, sorting out old feuds and, of being made to believe that strangers are the nicest people you can ever meet.
They come out of nowhere and let you stay in their room, volunteer to design presentation covers, agree to burst crackers with you even when Diwali is a week away, travel unreserved to Jaisalmer, help you clean rooms and spend afternoons buying mattresses and rugs and to make you realise that it's ok to be messed up.
Arrivals, no matter how few, always bring in joy...enough joy to get over the innumerable departures that are both unavoidable and necessary.

And for everything else, there are those constants, those runways without whom no departure or arrival makes sense.

Here's to my constants and my arrivals, Thank you.
And to the departures, thanks for the space and for making me stronger.

Happy New Year to all of you. Make the best out of the good that happens and try not taking the bad too seriously.
Shit Happens. And it's important to flush it down.

I realise I havent blogged for the longest time. Apologies.
It isnt that nothing worth writing happened but just that I was too lazy to jot it all down. That road trip did happen-in women's unreserved compartments and in autos manned by talkative men. We walked the town in two days and spent our Diwali watching fireworks light up the night sky, sitting by the Gudesar lake. I wish I was adept enough to describe the moments in words.

We came back to face our first semester exams and its accompanied frenzy of writing hurried papers and spending sleepless nights and bathless days cooped up in our cold hostel rooms. We came back home after that. In a Rajdhani, that too. So everyone who thinks I'm too la-dee-da for trains, you can give our mouths a little rest :P

Home has always been too much of drama for me, and this year hasnt been any exception. But all these years have taught me to take a seat and enjoy all the drama while it lasts. So this year I decided to oil my hair, sit down in my balcony-right in the middle of the spot of warm yellow sunshine, peel out oranges and see the world act out its drama on the road infront of my house.

Winters are meant for just that.
And for learning how to make a new dessert everyday.
Hope you all had a lovely Christmas, have a good year ahead.

Pat.

This is going to be a long post...

Coming back to the Uni from home is always like a hurricane. There is the backlog that takes an age to be cleared, the wonderful people you have to meet up and share vacation gossip with and finally, there is the inevitability of sinking one's self back into the grind. And that is always a problem especially after the immense flux that one's body dissolves into, in Calcutta during Durga Puja.

The flux is a little overpowering- it is a little dizzying to stand amidst an ever changing landscape of lights, colours, sounds and, most importantly, friendships. Pujas have always been a time of forming new bonds and letting go of a few old ones and I think it's only natural that a few old things give way to a few new things but it is the pace, at which that happens, that actually makes one dizzy- sometimes to the extent of nausea.

I'd let that be for the time being.

The good thing is, I finally have a room in the Uni. With a completely (thankfully) insane person who wants to place a glow in the dark mural in the room. It'd be really cool, now that I think of it. It's a small room with not much of empty space but at the end of the day, it is MY room and it already has the world's prettiest rug (thanks to Ria's timely observation). Yes, I also happen to share my name with the Roommate.

Oh, and there is the Road Trip.

So here's to a good Diwali and even better days after that :)

P.S: It's that lovely time again. Delhi winters!

P.P.S: So it wasn't that long a post,eh?

Flower

Two people sat side by side.

One boy who wrote music and a girl who had forgotten to dance.

They saw sunlight through the gaps in the wall,

And rains through taxi windows.

The clock struck another year,

Another Rhododendron opened its eyes to the world,

And another cup of coffee blew out smoke-

Into the blue sky above.

Another year and another story told-

In black and white and in technicolour,

In taxi rides and muddy shoes.

It was another year when the Rhododendron bloomed.

Tag Time.

It's been ages since I've done a tag. Since Shreya tagged me, here it is:

As for the tagging, I tag whoever reads this and wants to do it. :)

1.If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?

I wouldnt change my last name even if Art Garfunkel was the last person I texted. (Isnt Garfunkel the coolest last name ever?)

2. Were you happy when you woke up today?

Was too groggy to realise how I was feeling.

3. What’s something that can always make you feel better? When did you need it last?

Citrus smells and Chocolate cake. Needed a bath in citrus body wash last week when I was dead tired from writing a paper.

4. What are you excited for?

Everything that is yet to happen.

5. What were you doing yesterday?

Dancing to bad songs played by shitty DJs. (Was our hostel freshers)

6. What's the last thing you put in your mouth?

Masala Maggi from the hostel dhaba.

7. Have a best friend(s)?

Think so.

8. Are you scared to fall in love?

No, why would I?

9. Do you think teenagers can be in love?

Absolutely.

10. Last person you wanted to punch in the face?

This guy who sat behind us in the theatre today and was going on shouting out what happens next!

11.What do you want right now?

Go for a run.

12. Who was the last person you took a picture with?

Nini, Shayeari and Anirban...in Chandni Chowk. What a happy day!

13. Are you single/taken/heartbroken/or confused?

All of the above :P

14. When was the last time you cried?

Dude! Too personal.

15. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Mostly.

16. Do you find it hard to trust others?

Often.

17. I bet you miss somebody right now..

And who are you to place bets on me?

18. Can you honestly say you're okay right now?

Hmm...yeah.Okay is a good vague word.

19. Tell me what's on your mind.

Dude,seriously. Who are you?!

20. What are you looking forward to in the next three months?

Just too many things- Pujos mostly. Apart from that, a few papers that I have to write, shopping, going home, getting a job, starting dance again etc.

21. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?

Yes, pretty often.

22. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend?

What on earth is a number 1 top friend?!

23. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to?

Yes.

24. How's your heart?

Beating, as of now.

25. Have you ever felt like you weren't important?

Oh half my life was spent doing just that.

26. Do you think somebody's in love with you?

Hmm...good question that.

27. What are you planning on doing after this?

Write a few things that need to be written, then sleep.

28. When will your next kiss take place?

This is getting scary. Will you be crouching in a corner and take a picture when that happens?

29. Have you told anybody you loved them today?

"They" know.

30. Who do you not get along with?

Age has taught me the art of tolerance.

31. What are you wearing right now?

Clothes. (Surprise Surprise!)

32. Are you wasting your time on the person you like?

What sort of a sadistic question is this? I hope not.

33. How did you feel when you woke up?

Groggy.

34. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now?

It's 1:28 am. Whoever had to call/text has done so already.

35. Do you crack your knuckles?

Yes.

36. What were you doing yesterday at midnight?

Dancing myself silly.

37. Who's the first B in your contacts?

Baba.

38. When was the last time you laughed really hard?

This afternoon.

39. Last awkward moment?

My existance is full of those

40. Are you afraid of the dark?

Yes.

41. Do you have good vision?

I hope so.

42. Have you ever tripped someone?

Yes, myself. Every other day.

43. Have you ever slapped someone?

Yes. Regret it.

44. Do you laugh off embarrassing moments?

Yes, that's the best thing to do.

45. Can you go out in public looking like you do right now?

Yes, and you have a problem with that?

46. Is it easy for someone to make you smile?

Pretty much.

47. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?

Yes.

48. Do you miss the way things used to be?

What "things"?

49. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?

Quite often, it's a wise thing to do.

50. Want someone back in your life?

No, people who need to go end up going. Always helps.

But yes, a few people back from the dead would be nice.

51. Will tomorrow be better than today?

Hopefully. Today wasnt too bad, really.

52.Does it bother you when someone lies to you?

Depends on who the person is.

53. Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?

Good Lord! It's hardly rocket science.

54. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced?

100 % natural. Scientifically Proven.

55. Is there anyone you wish would fall in love with you?

"Love" is a strong word really. But who doesnt wish? :P

It's funny how we live life.

Spend decades in a city, make friends, make promises, write letters, gift earrings, cry over coffee.

Then leave all that behind for another city.

Another life.

Another set of friends, a new set of promises, type in texts, gift more earrings and gloss over tears.

Then you leave all that and go back expecting people to be the same.

The kind who made friends with you, made promises, wrote letters, gifted earrings, hugged when you cried.

But they change.

And you are left rummaging through old letters, locating pairs of earrings and lying awake in Caffeine induced insomnia.

I havent watched Inception or a 3D version of Alice in Wonderland.

But I have dipped my feet in the blue seas and seen the moon disappear into vanishing waves...

and smiled each time the cellphone screen lit up beside my sandy head.

pic: Puri,2010

Of Homes.

Speaking of homes and houses,there's a very strong bout of sorrow that hits me each time i see a house being broken down in order to make flats.

there are quite a few being broken down in the area where we stay. and what makes me sadder is the way these homes are broken down-with one blow after another with these huge hammers.men in lungis standing in the heat first strip out the paint, then the plaster and then the bricks as sweat runs down in lines down their sunburnt backs.sometimes they sing songs or they chat about what they're going to do with the money they get after they're done breaking down the house.then one day suddenly, we only see rods and bars sticking out like the rib cage of a skeleton.then one day that goes too.

my grandparents from both sides owned huge houses both of which got difficult for the sons and daughters of the families to maintain.both of them have been sold off to promoters.one house has been left alone while the surrounding land was sold and the other has been sold in its entirety and in a few months, rods are all that is going to remain.then,they will go too.

i sometimes wonder what it feels to see one's home being broken down.the room where you learnt to crawl, the wall you doodled on, the ceiling you slept under...bricks that knew all your secrets, the floors that your feet ran on.the home you made.the times you lived.the breath you left behind.

i thank god today that i stay nowhere close to where my grandparents stayed.and that i stay in a flat that wont be broken down.

"If memories could be canned, would they also have expiry dates? If so, I hope they last for centuries."

Thought Bubble.

what is home really?

a pink building with a balcony full of plants.

a grey house that is situated between a white one and another grey one.

a cobbled pavement next to the bus stop...

..."home" is only a feeling.

"Would that I could gather your houses into my hand,

and like a sower scatter them in forest and meadow."

-Gibran.

picture: Pondicherry, 2010.